The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
