plz talk dirty to me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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