I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
