i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I wish you could order shots online.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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