her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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