Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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