I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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