How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
