The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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