i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
