It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my being single is dangerous.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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