I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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