forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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