I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
