Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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