don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
