So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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