Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
