This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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