im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize