before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
