People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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