the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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