you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
