i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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