I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
