I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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