I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
