Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
