god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
