Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
as a side note pls kill me
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
