I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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