Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
