Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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