Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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