winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
