No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
