I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
