He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize