I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
