i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
