I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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