she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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