my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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