and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
