He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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