I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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