Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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