There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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