I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
