That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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