so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
where am i from again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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