so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
what day is it and did you see me today?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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