More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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