hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
