Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
