"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
